When to Step Away From a Conversation

Everything we write here assumes that both people can stay safe and stay decent. Sometimes they cannot.

Being a good listener does not mean you have to stand there and be mistreated. A conversation is something two people do together. When one of them has stopped doing it, you are allowed to stop too.

Signs it is time for a break

• Voices keep rising, and nobody is hearing anything.
• Someone is insulting the other person rather than discussing the issue.
• You have said the same thing three times.
• You can feel your heart pounding and your thinking going narrow.

How to pause well

A good pause has a return date. Try: “I want to keep talking about this, and I can’t do it well right now. Can we come back to it tomorrow morning?” Then actually come back. A pause without a return feels like a door slamming.

When to end it

If a person is threatening, frightening or repeatedly cruel, you do not need to explain yourself or keep trying. Leave, go somewhere safe, and contact people you trust. In an emergency, call for help. No ideal about dialogue is worth your safety, and professionals are trained for the situations that we are not.

After the storm

If it was only a bad moment between decent people, a short note can repair a lot. “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I care about this and about you.” Being heard sometimes begins with being willing to try again on a better day.