The Difference Between Listening and Waiting

You can tell you have stopped listening when you start polishing your reply.

We have all done it. Someone is talking, and our face looks attentive, but inside we are lining up the point we plan to make when they breathe in. That is not listening. It is waiting, with good posture.

The trouble is that people can usually feel it. They talk longer, or louder, because some part of them can sense they have not landed yet.

Three signs you are waiting

• You know what you will say before they finish.
• You heard a word you disagree with and stopped there.
• You are nodding faster, the way you would to hurry a slow car.

What to do instead

Try this simple exercise for just one conversation. Let the other person finish, then count to two before you answer. That is all. In those two seconds, ask yourself what they just told you that you did not know before.

The answer is often small. It might be something about why this matters to them, or who they are worried about. That small thing is usually where the real conversation lives.

It costs less than you think

Listening does not mean agreeing. You give up nothing by hearing someone out, and your own view will still be there when they are done. It may even be better for the wait.

Start with one person this week. Pick someone easy. Then, when you are ready, pick someone harder.