How to Ask a Real Question
Don’t you think that’s a bit unfair? is not a question. It is a statement wearing a question’s coat.
When a conversation gets tense, we reach for questions that are really arguments in disguise. People spot them at once, and they raise their guard. A real question is one you do not already know the answer to, and one where the answer could change how you see things.
Questions that close the door
- Why would anyone believe that?
- Don’t you care about what this does to people?
- So you’re saying that…?
Questions that open it
- How did you come to see it that way?
- What is the part of this that matters most to you?
- What do you think people like me get wrong about this?
- Has your view on this changed over time?
- What would you want me to understand before we go on?
How you ask matters
Tone does most of the work. A word-perfect question delivered with a raised eyebrow is still a trap. Ask slowly, and ask only if you are ready for the answer, and then let the silence do its work. People often need a moment to find what they really think.
Follow the answer
The best second question comes from what they just said, not from your list. Try: “Tell me more about that.” It rarely fails, and we liked it enough to put it on a mug.