Say It Back: The Simplest Skill in Hard Conversations

Before you respond, say what you heard. It feels awkward for about a week.

Say-it-back is a basic tool that people learn in many kinds of workshops, and it works in a kitchen as well as it does in a conference room. Before you give your reply, you sum up what the other person said in your own words, and you ask if you got it right.

What it sounds like

• “So you felt left out because no one asked you before we decided. Is that right?”
• “What I’m hearing is that the money isn’t the issue. It’s that you found out last.”

Why it works

Three things happen. First, you find out whether you heard correctly, and quite often you did not. Second, the other person gets to correct you, which clears things up. Third, and most important, people relax once they know they have been heard. A person who feels heard stops repeating themselves.

Common mistakes

• Parroting. Repeating their exact words sounds like mockery. Use your own.
• Adding spin. “So you’re saying I’m a terrible person” is not a summary.
• Skipping the check. Always finish with “Did I get that right?”

You do not have to agree

Saying it back is not the same as saying yes. You can sum up a view perfectly and still think it is mistaken. In fact, you will disagree far more usefully after you have shown that you understand it.

Try it three times this week and keep count in a notebook. You will be surprised how quickly the temperature drops.